possible opening lines

DogOrBaby_032416

Good evening.  I’ll be your comedian for the next five minutes.

Good evening.  My people have been persecuted for 5,784 years.

Good evening.  My grandmother just died.

Anybody kick pigeons?

This is my first stand-up.  So, if I throw-up its part of the act.  

One time, I borrowed my dad’s b-b gun and I went in the backyard and shot out the living room window.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight.  We were playing street football this morning on I-75.

I hear a dog or a weird baby.

Do you think “brewery” started out as a different word but people were too drunk to say it?

Tonight, it’s win-win, except for the intense cramping.

I’ve been on a jag lately – as opposed to in a jag or being chased by one.

I speak seven different languages.  None of them English.

There are a lot of things I hate in life.  But none so much as Styrofoam packing chips.

Thank you all so much for coming to Lonnie Wittstein’s bar mitzvah.

Have we met?

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